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Several years ago, I was involved in a professional conflict that consumed all my energy, focus and time. I was working with a colleague I had known for years. It was an important project to me, and part of it became a point of contention between us. I passionately believed that my approach was the right one, and I was determined to see it through. My colleague disagreed and felt her approach was more robust than mine.
The more I pushed, the more resistance I encountered. Our meetings became tense, the emails we exchanged seemed filled with increasing sharpness and the project's progress slowed to a crawl. It wasn't just about the project anymore; it felt like a personal battle I had to win. I was convinced that if I didn't fight for this, the entire project would fail, and I would wonder what could have been.
However, as the weeks dragged on, I realized that this battle was taking a toll on the project and me personally. My stress levels were through the roof, my relationship with my colleague was deteriorating and the project that we had been so excited about turned into a source of dread. The breaking point came when I confided (okay, complained) to a trusted friend who asked, "Is this fight worth it? What are you trying to win here?"
That question hit me like a ton of bricks. I had become so focused on winning the battle that I lost sight of the bigger picture. Ultimately, I had to step back, reassess and make the difficult decision to let go of my stance for the greater good of the project and my relationship with my colleague. It wasn't easy, but it was the right decision.
That experience taught me a crucial lesson about leadership: not every battle is worth fighting. As leaders, we must learn to choose our battles wisely, knowing when to push forward and when to let go.
Here's how I approached this delicate balancing act.
1. Evaluate the impact on the bigger picture
One of the most important considerations when deciding whether to fight a battle or let it go is understanding the impact on the bigger picture. Will winning this battle benefit the project, the team or the company in the long run or is it more about personal pride?
Leaders who consistently focus on the bigger picture rather than getting bogged down in minor details seem more likely to navigate complex challenges successfully. I've watched other leaders gracefully step back even when I knew they believed they were right in that situation. It's essential to stop and assess whether the battle you're fighting is aligned with the project's overall goals and vision.
Related: 3 Signs You're Letting Pride Get in the Way of Being Successful
2. Assess the possible cost of the battle
Every battle comes with a cost—time, energy, relationships or resources. Before engaging in any conflict or disagreement, it's essential to weigh these costs against the potential benefits. In my case, the price was the deterioration of a long-standing relationship with my colleague and the stagnation of the project's progress.
Research from the University of California (their various studies on conflict and leadership) found that leaders who weigh the costs of conflict before engaging in one are more effective in maintaining a cohesive team and driving long-term success. This means you should consider the immediate fallout and the long-term consequences of engaging in a battle.
3. Determine what's truly at stake
It's easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment and lose sight of what's really at stake. Is this battle about a critical issue that will significantly impact the success of the project or company, or is it more about your ego and proving your point is correct?
In my experience, many uncomfortable situations that seem important now are driven by personal pride rather than business necessity. By stripping away the emotional layers, you can focus on what truly matters. I have found that when I focus on objective outcomes rather than emotional satisfaction, I'm more successful in conflict resolution and decision-making.
4. Recognize when to let go for the greater good
Sometimes, the best decision a leader can make is to let go. This doesn't mean giving up; it means recognizing that your energy and resources might be better spent elsewhere. Letting go can be an incredibly difficult decision, especially when you've invested a lot of time and effort into a particular project, but it can also be the most strategic move.
In the end, letting go allowed me to refocus on the larger goals of the project and rebuild the strained relationship. Letting go when necessary makes one more adaptable and better equipped to lead, a key trait of successful leadership.
5. Learn from the battle
Whether you fight a battle or let it go, there's always a lesson to be learned. It's crucial to reflect on the experience, understand what worked and what didn't, and apply those insights to future decisions. Every battle, win or lose, is an opportunity for growth and learning.
An article from the Center for Creative Leadership stated that leaders who regularly reflect on their decisions and learn from their experiences are more resilient and effective in their roles. This practice of reflection helps in making better decisions in the future. It also enables you to look at things differently — ensuring you're not just fighting battles but choosing the right ones.
Looking back on that challenging time when I was butting heads with my colleague, I realize that learning how to choose my battles was a valuable lesson in my leadership journey. It's easy to get caught up in the details and fight for every inch while losing sight of the larger goals. However, authentic leadership is about making strategic decisions that benefit the team and the project.
As leaders, we must step back, assess the situation clearly and decide when to push forward and when to let go. This isn't about avoiding conflict or backing down; it's about being wise, strategic, and focused on what truly matters. By choosing our battles wisely, we can lead more effectively, build stronger relationships and achieve greater success.
Ultimately, the battles we choose to fight — and those we choose to let go — define us as leaders. It's in these deciding moments that we demonstrate our true leadership capabilities.
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